Back in Germany

Well the time blurred in Rochester again. So much to do. Got more stuff cleared out on Saturday the 4th; Greg met me over at the house and we worked for 3 hours or so. Filled up more garbage bags with old magazines and stuff; then gathered all the back tax records from 86 to 99, and financial statements from accounts Dad no longer has, and filled the car trunk with them. Took all the old baby furniture, now deemed death traps, outside to take down for garbage pick-up on Wednesday. (How did we ever survive those things?)

Sunday was a day of rest. We hung around in the morning, reviewing the folk’s finances and trying to decide next steps. That afternoon, we went to a local school to watch Gavin’s scout troop’s PineWood Derby. This is an event where the scouts buy a car kit that essentially contains a small block of wood, carve the cars, paint them, put wheels on and race them down a wooden track. Most of the boys are 8 or 9 years old, so their attention flagged after the first couple of races. It lasted for about 90 minutes, every boy’s car got a prize of some kind at the end – like ‘most unique (!)’ and ‘shiniest paint job’.

The weather got bad – temp dropped and it started snowing. This was the evening, of course, that I had picked to take the folks out. I got to their place around 5, and ran into tell them I was there, then ran out to clear off the car. They emerged 10 minutes later, both wearing light jackets, Mom with no hat or gloves. At least the car was warm. We went to their favorite Chinese place – as it was both early and Superbowl Sunday the place was nearly empty. They both enjoyed their dinner tremendously. Small hitch later, Mom & I went to the toilet to wash up. I had to point out the soap dispensers to her, then turned to dry my hands. Grabbed a couple paper towels to hand to her, she had finished washing her hands and was turning back & reaching again for the soap dispenser. I handed her the towels and she said “I know how to dry my hands. My mother taught me how to dry my hands” in an incredibly snotty tone. So I said, I was being nice and handing you towels – felt my temper flaring – and walked out of the restroom. I had vowed to maintain dispassion but lost it then. I know some of this personality change is the disease. But I also know that some of it isn’t and it pushed all my buttons. So I got calm & went back to get her to the table.

When we got back to their place, I asked Dad about her winter coat, as I had brought a couple over to the apartment on my last trip home. I went to the closet to get it to show her and she went off – stop touching my clothes, leave my stuff alone. I said I was concerned that she wasn’t wearing a warmer coat, and wanted to show her that she had one. She tried to stomp off, but can’t really manage that anymore, she is moving very slowly. So all in all the evening was not a success.

Monday was a busy day, I stopped at the local bank to set up an appointment with their financial advisor, re: the folk’s accounts. We finally have tracked them all, Greg & Andrea are getting almost all the statements, now it’s time to make the money grow. There are a couple of places where a fund needs sold and moved into a different vehicle. So the advisor will help, I hope.

Then I stopped at Certified Document Destruction, conveniently on the way to the folk’s house. For a mere $10, they helped me carry all the stuff to shred inside and disposed of it. Best $10 I’d spent in a while.

I started at the house putting aside what brother John had said they might want, then started boxing up the cookware for donation. Like everything else, there was too much of it and most of it wasn’t used often. Got a bunch of stuff ready for the Salvation Army pick-up on Wednesday. Bagged up all the wicker flower baskets for donation, and inventoried the 2 large boxes of infant clothing we found tucked way back in the attic.

On Tuesday, Andrea & I went over to the house early, took all the garbage to the curb. Then that afternoon, I went to visit the folks at their apartment and to drop some more family pictures off in their storage space. I spent an hour of so with the folks, did a couple load of laundry, showed them some pictures. Mom is getting worse – she and Dad were essentially sitting side by side and I was explaining the pics, handing them to Dad who then handed them to Mom. She was not even really looking at them, and after she’d gotten 4 or 5 she’d say “I don’t know whether your father has seen these.” It’s like her peripheral awareness of anything is shot.

Wednesday was a great day at the house – I got there early as the Salvation Army pick-up window was 8 – 3. The garbage hadn’t been picked up yet, so I zoomed down to the basement to gather some more stuff. Hit the gardening area, tossed out a couple bags worth of plastic containers and lids and broken terracotta pots. Plus unlabelled chemicals. Got 5 more bags filled and out, and found another piece of baby furniture that I took out. The garbage truck came, he emptied the big ‘toter’ and called for backup for the pile. About 30 minutes later a truck with crane and scoop came by, and took it all away. Lovely! I spent some time culling down a couple memorabilia boxes, took a short nap, and then the Salvation Army guys came. They took almost everything – wouldn’t take the coffee table as the top was too worn. But the house felt much better after all that went away.

And that evening we went to Dinosaur Barbeque. If you’re ever in Rochester or Syracuse, you have to go! Great food and a fun place. Gavin surprised us by eating 6 ribs donated from all of us plus most of the catfish that he ordered. It was nice to get out and have a fun evening.

Thursday was another rest day. Andrea’s mom came over for lunch, it was good to see her. Then afterwards I helped Andrea clean out her closet – and came away with some great stuff for me. I got a nice fleece, a couple of sweatshirts and a couple tops. So I didn’t have to do any more shopping, such a deal for both of us. She hadn’t cleaned out her closet for many years and she said it was great to have the help.

That night was the first annual (they hope) neighborhood potluck for Grandview Heights, where G&A live. Andrea is on the neighborhood association, as treasurer. The dinner was at a local church, and about 20 of the neighbors showed up with altogether too much food. I will need to stop this taste-eating soon!

Friday morning I met with the financial advisor at Chase. I think we will be able to make some good progress working with him. He had great suggestions for making moves to preserve the folks money so it benefits them for their care. He will work up a list of things to do and call Greg, as Greg’s the power of attorney he’s the only one who can authorize the moves.

That afternoon I went back to the house. John & Amy were on the road coming in, and had told me they didn’t want any of the games so I started boxing them up for pick-up on Saturday. When they arrived, I took them on a quick ‘tour de stuff’ and let them settle in. Then they started looking at the remaining nicer household things – tablecloths, placemats, vases, china sets books – and decided what they’d take. We started packing up that night as Salvation Army was making another pick-up in the morning. greg came over after work, we had pizza for dinner, and worked until about 9.

The next morning, Greg & I headed out around 8:30, stopped & picked up bagels and got to the house around 9. We breakfasted together and then got back to work. In the upper floor, I inventoried and Amy boxed stuff up. Greg & John started in the basement. The day is blurry, I got into something and was sneezing my head off for most of it. Salvation Army came & pickup up the next load around 10:30. Then Greg & John started hauling stuff to the curb, where it would magically disappear. The old cot went. The exercise machines and bicycles and clothes rack. Hooray for scavengers!

That evening, we were to have gone to dinner with the folks. But we called in the afternoon to verify and Dad said it wasn’t a good day. So we decided to go over after dinner. I think it was too many of us. Most of us took the folks up to the activity room while Andrea stayed behind and did some laundry. The folks don’t like it when you do that, but the basket is full and we feel that while we’re there, we can help out. The evening was OK, but Mom was acting up. She started tapping her glass on the table to get attention although she didn’t speak. In the general din, I was the only one who noticed, I thought. Then she started asking Dad what time it was, in a pointed way that, decoded, means “I want to leave now and I’m pissed that you’re not getting it.” The she slid forward in her chair and tried to kick Dad under the table but she couldn’t reach so she banged her foot on the underneath of the table for a while. Again, it went unnoticed by dad, who was enjoying himself. Finally she asked the time again and said it was time to go to bed. So they all headed off back to the apartment. I took Gavin to the library, and he & I sat and read a Far Side book until everyone was ready to go. Andrea debriefed us on the way home, she had found several pairs of urine-soaked sweatpants (Mom’s) in the laundry cart so she wanted to do all the laundry. Plus, the beds needed remade. Mom’s only had a mattress pad on it that she was using as a blanket. (Andrea had noticed Mom’s bids for attention, too.)

Sunday was much a repeat of Saturday. But by the end of the day, we had the basement almost all cleared out. Now we’re down to a small amount of stuff to look through, and a small amount to decide about – sell it? eBay? To be decided later.

John & Amy joined us for dinner at G&As, then they went to visit with Mom & Dad. That did not go well either, John said Mom was wearing some slippers with a big hole in them and he asked if that was the only pair she had, went to her closet and fetched out another pair in much better shape and faced the wrath of Jackie. She bitched him out for touching her stuff. He said that her perspective was one possibility, another was that we love her and are caring for her. She rejected that pretty much. We all talked about how difficult she’s getting while at the same time needing more care. Don’t know how this will go, but we are trying to convince Dad that the aides can handle Mom, and that he needs to use their help.

I got back from Rochester on Tuesday morning. My first challenge was to get it together as the Book Group was coming over on Wednesday morning. It was actually pretty easy, as Logan had cleaned the apartment and gotten some groceries that I had requested. I was so tired that day that I was able to sleep early, got up early on Wednesday and got the place arranged for 10 women to sit & talk. This involved almost all the chairs in the place, but it did work. We were discussing the book ‘Snow’ by Orhan Pamuk. Interesting book, but most of us found it hard to read.

And I'll stop here for now. It is a beautiful day outside, I will get out in it!